To Move Forward, To Begin Healing ...

Why is it, when my mother died, less than 2 years ago from Melanoma I was comfortable pouring my grief and pain out on my blog, when the anniversary of my baby girl's death comes around each year, I feel blessed by the love and support of friends in the blogging world, illnesses, surgery ... same thing, I have never been afraid to blog. But to me, this feels so different. It's been 3 weeks since I mentioned my family crisis and the overwhelming sadness, fear and shame is not only preventing me from blogging but also from reading. I'm wondering how much to say but then if I keep thinking about how to filter this, I worry I'll write nothing and I won't be able to move forward, so I'll just begin. I'm actually feeling waves of nausea and panic while typing this, it's one of the most difficult blog posts I've ever written, but I'm hoping that by putting some of my feelings out there, I will regain a little of what I have lost. 

My husband left while I was recovering from major surgery. He left after shoving me to the ground because he was angry I questioned him about something I had discovered. He left after I discovered a share trading loan application for $250,000, an application he tricked his mother into signing and then hid from me. He destroyed my family and left me broken, a little bird with broken wings.

I have lived 10 years with emotional abuse. My best friend, my doctor and my psychologist tell me that this is true, and while I know that what they are saying is correct, it's not my truth yet. The man I loved, slowly eroded my self belief, my values and my health, in such an insidious way that I no longer know 'normal'. His true nature was only seen by a select few, those closest to me, those who challenged him, those who spent the most time with my family. I know in my heart I could not have tried harder or done anything more to change things, so why am I still saying, I have failed, what is wrong with me? Why did I not see what was really happening?

My husband is the ultimate deceiver, upholding a caring husband & father facade for the limited hours necessary at social outings but in the privacy of our home he was a different person. He is a master of manipulation, narcissistic and paranoid, controlling, punishing with months of silence, subtly isolating me from friends and family. His occasional acts of kindness and generosity were not done out of love or concern but to lull us into a false sense of security or to give hope that things were changing, things would be different. 

My husband has bullied and pushed and threatened for property settlement, within days of walking out, so stress levels have been hideous. I feel numb and lost and I'm struggling with constant nightmares, panic, and overwhelming fear. As I begin to find firm ground he apologises and asks to try again, it's a vicious, soul destroying cycle. But there's no return from here.

I'm more fortunate than many, I have family who love me to bits, and my Dad wants to help us try and stay where we are, but these things take time and fear of the unknown is crippling. Will we be able to remain in our home, will my health issues continue to affect my ability to work and cope financially? Will my boys recover from the damage ... will I? Will I ever feel happy again?

My best friend Alaine has held me while I've sobbed, she has glued pieces of my broken heart and body back together, she has brought me pancakes, taken me to Doctor's appointments, held my hand at solicitors, explained legal matters again, and again, given me courage when I've had none, and given me strength and unconditional love. The sister of my heart has been there for me, and now as Alaine's family faces another tragedy; her younger brother took his own life this week, my heart hurts for them. I pray for her brother's young family and hope that the love and support of family and friends gives them some small comfort. Alaine, I will be with you holding your hand tomorrow as you say goodbye to a loved brother and uncle.