Sunday, March 21, 2010

To Move Forward, To Begin Healing ...

Why is it, when my mother died, less than 2 years ago from Melanoma I was comfortable pouring my grief and pain out on my blog, when the anniversary of my baby girl's death comes around each year, I feel blessed by the love and support of friends in the blogging world, illnesses, surgery ... same thing, I have never been afraid to blog. But to me, this feels so different. It's been 3 weeks since I mentioned my family crisis and the overwhelming sadness, fear and shame is not only preventing me from blogging but also from reading. I'm wondering how much to say but then if I keep thinking about how to filter this, I worry I'll write nothing and I won't be able to move forward, so I'll just begin. I'm actually feeling waves of nausea and panic while typing this, it's one of the most difficult blog posts I've ever written, but I'm hoping that by putting some of my feelings out there, I will regain a little of what I have lost. 

My husband left while I was recovering from major surgery. He left after shoving me to the ground because he was angry I questioned him about something I had discovered. He left after I discovered a share trading loan application for $250,000, an application he tricked his mother into signing and then hid from me. He destroyed my family and left me broken, a little bird with broken wings.

I have lived 10 years with emotional abuse. My best friend, my doctor and my psychologist tell me that this is true, and while I know that what they are saying is correct, it's not my truth yet. The man I loved, slowly eroded my self belief, my values and my health, in such an insidious way that I no longer know 'normal'. His true nature was only seen by a select few, those closest to me, those who challenged him, those who spent the most time with my family. I know in my heart I could not have tried harder or done anything more to change things, so why am I still saying, I have failed, what is wrong with me? Why did I not see what was really happening?

My husband is the ultimate deceiver, upholding a caring husband & father facade for the limited hours necessary at social outings but in the privacy of our home he was a different person. He is a master of manipulation, narcissistic and paranoid, controlling, punishing with months of silence, subtly isolating me from friends and family. His occasional acts of kindness and generosity were not done out of love or concern but to lull us into a false sense of security or to give hope that things were changing, things would be different. 

My husband has bullied and pushed and threatened for property settlement, within days of walking out, so stress levels have been hideous. I feel numb and lost and I'm struggling with constant nightmares, panic, and overwhelming fear. As I begin to find firm ground he apologises and asks to try again, it's a vicious, soul destroying cycle. But there's no return from here.

I'm more fortunate than many, I have family who love me to bits, and my Dad wants to help us try and stay where we are, but these things take time and fear of the unknown is crippling. Will we be able to remain in our home, will my health issues continue to affect my ability to work and cope financially? Will my boys recover from the damage ... will I? Will I ever feel happy again?

My best friend Alaine has held me while I've sobbed, she has glued pieces of my broken heart and body back together, she has brought me pancakes, taken me to Doctor's appointments, held my hand at solicitors, explained legal matters again, and again, given me courage when I've had none, and given me strength and unconditional love. The sister of my heart has been there for me, and now as Alaine's family faces another tragedy; her younger brother took his own life this week, my heart hurts for them. I pray for her brother's young family and hope that the love and support of family and friends gives them some small comfort. Alaine, I will be with you holding your hand tomorrow as you say goodbye to a loved brother and uncle.


  1. Hugs, love and prayers to you. You poor thing! Just breathe, and take things one moment at a time.
    I hope that writing this post has been helpful for you.

  2. Such a heartrending post from you and know that it comes from the heart.
    Just to let you know that i am thinking of you and yours and your friends family much love sent your way and will keep you in my prayers.

  3. Oh honey, you are having such a rough time of it. You and Alaine have both been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be so in the coming days.

    Hopefully with time things will become clearer and easier for you, and you will be able to regain your sense of self, and some self esteem. It's not an easy process (I know this from experience), but just this post is a big step forward!

  4. This post made me cry. You so deserve to be loved and cherished and I'm sorry that he didn't give that to you. Take your time to heal from this and please be kind to yourself. Good on you for writing this post!

  5. Sheree, I follow you way over here in Texas and am praying for you and crying as I read your post this morning! Please stay strong and know if there are any words that will make things clearer we all hope you take these to heart; You deserve to have the love and support of the person you trust your heart too, the fact you were not given that is NOT your fault it is the fault of the fool who betrayed you and walked out when he should have stayed by and taken care of you!!!
    You are so blessed you have a lovely friend and your family to support you, lean on them and heal and be the strong lady you know deep inside you still are or you would not be here today!!!

    Jackie B Central Texas

  6. This is so sad. I hope writing this and sharing it all with us has helped you lighten your heart.
    I know it's easier to say than do..still I will tell you to look forward. You have two wonderful children with you,two angels for whom and because of whom you have to be happy and strong. They are with you have the best moments of your life with you! A very big reason to celebrate and wipe out those tears.
    I pray to God to give you all the strength. Lots of love and hugs to you and your family.

  7. Sheree , I will tell you one thing ,you have taken the first step towards your emotional healing. Writing all this wasn't easy I can guess. But you did it. Now you will come out of this and I am sure you will come out of it stronger. It may take a while but you will.

    Hugs.Take care of your self, your health so that you can take care of your boys .

  8. dear Sheree,

    i'm so so sorry to hear about your crisis. i cried when i read your post and i could never imagine what you were/are facing with. i pray that you will be strong and and try your best to overcome the grieves you have. i'm saying this from deepest of my heart that you must move on and be strong. i'm not in your shoes but i believe with all my heart again that everything that happens now is actually a test given by God and there WILL be a happy ending for you in the end.

    take care sheree and be happy..

  9. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. Even though so many of us don't know you in person, we really do support you - virtually, if that's possible - and sending you big, gigantic cyber hugs. I hope you have some people around to give you real hugs. I'm glad Alaine has been there for you, but am soooo sorry to hear about her own sad crisis. I know you'll be there for her too.

    Thanks for being open and honest. It's the only way to heal.

    And just remember...Every ending is just a beginning in disguise.

  10. Sheree, sweetie, I wish I was there to give up the hugs that you deserve, but since I'm not, I'm sending cyber hugs your way. Nothing in this mess is your fault, nothing.

    Many women fall into the trap woven, coaxed by a sociopaths who are able of show faux love, some for many years, but never actually able to give or show love. The worst kind are those who fool not only the women in their lives, but those who function well even in society to fool them as well. Your husband of all these years appears to be such a person.

    There is nothing you do for a person like this other than be thankful for your release. They are the ultimate abusers, worse than the one you leave physical wounds behind, at least everyone else can see those wounds. Mental wounds are so much harder heal, hidden in our psyche, festering without release.

    I hope this post helps some of that festering to be released, it can only harm you to keep it inside, and your health is the most important thing now. He's a chapter in your life that you can close (I know, not as easy as it sounds). You will always have your children's love, that of your family and friends extended around the world. Life always begins again, and you have many moments left to cherish and be thankful for. It might be hard, but you have the power and the strength to begin again. You are the best kind of person, one who sees and can confront. You have the power Sheree, I know you do.

    If you need support, shout it out for all of us to hear, we'll be here. We wrap you in our warm embrace. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

    Alaine, I feel your pain, it will get better. Time will allow healing, and better times will prevail as will the memories of happier times.



  11. Sheree, I am so, so sorry to hear how much pain you are going through. It was one of the most difficult posts to read so I can only imagine how hard it was for you write it. It breaks my heart to know that this happy, always looking forward girl is now hurting so. But know this, you are loved and admired and appreciated by more people than you can probably imagine and even though what is happening to you now seems like the end of the world, it isn't and you will get better and there is purpose in all of this. I trust and believe and now that you have enough strength, tenacity and your heart is too cheerful to stay broken for long. And even though we are continents away, you can always talk to me if you need (although I think you are blessed with many people there ready to give you what you need). I will be keeping you in my thoughts and will pray for you and your boys.

  12. I may not know you, but no one should be going through what you are going through...

    Loves, hugs and kisses for you. You are a strong woman and you will get past this.

  13. I know you are unfortunately familiar with the death of those you love, and just like those unbearable losses, the loss of a relationship has to go through the same stages.

    You will survive. The fact that you are here writing proves that you are a survivor.

    Remember that in our last moments on earth we are all alone. Alone with our decisions, triumphs, and deceits. He will have to reconcile all of his decisions without anyone else's support.

    You're beautiful. Remember that always.

  14. I am so sorry to hear this, I can't even imagine for a second what it must have been like. I am glad you had Alaine, and I am glad she has you now.

  15. I am so sorry for what you are going through, I too have been on the receiving end of a husband walking out. My ex left me for my sister when I was very close to labor with my son. That was 30 years ago and it does take time to get over the hurt but I did. My ex is dead, no I didn't do it) he had a swimming accident. My sister and I are on good terms again. I met a wonderful man and we have been married almost 28 years. It was very hard for me to trust again but I slowly healed as will you. It just takes time and with the help of your good friends and family you will make it through. My thoughts are with you...

  16. I am so sorry to hear you are having to go through all of this. Know that I as well as the blogging community are here if you need us and I am sending all the positive thoughts I can to you and yours.

  17. * Hugs * to you.

    I really hope things get better. My best wishes and prayers are with you!

  18. Please know that you are ALWAYS in my thoughts Sheree. I have no idea what to say to ease your pain... I'm so very sorry to hear about your heartbreaking hardships. There really are no words...

    I wish I could give you a hug, not like it would really help but I'm afraid it's all I would probably ever have to offer. I'm so very thankful you have those people in your life that can stand by you and help you and your family through this. You are strong, even if you don't feel that way at the moment. I admire the courage you have to post your problems and the courage you have to face each day.

    With love,


  19. I am sitting here reading this and it brings tears to my eyes, to hear that you are in such emotional pain. I am so sorry your husband let you down so badly. I will be sending you my prayers to try and ease your pain. The biggest hugs ever.

  20. I am so proud of you! I know it took enormous courage. We will get through this the same way we get through everything, together.

    In the meantime, I'll keep telling you that you deserve love and happiness and that it will come your way when you least expect it. I will keep believing in you while you take your time to heal and can't do if for yourself. Love you more than words can say and I'm so grateful that I found my the 'sister of my heart'.

    PS Ian's wallet got stolen last night when the truck broke down LMAO. He had over $200 in it. All we can do now is laugh!

  21. Sheree, I am praying for you and your family. I have my own small story from the past, and while it's nothing like yours, it sure hurt at the time. But I feel confident telling you that you will get through this and you will heal. You are so blessed to have such caring family and friends surrounding you. Continue to let them care for you and help you, and this too shall pass.

  22. Know that there are many of us out here that are thinking about you and your family and praying for ya'll.

  23. I can only begin to imagine how much writing this post must have coasted you. I am so sorry to hear what you and your boys have gone through all these years.

    It might not be possible to see things clearly now but with time and the love and support of family and friends you will get through this, Teddyree. And one day you will see that NOTHING of this was ever your fault.

    (((Sending all my warmest hugs through cyberspace)))

  24. Sheree:

    All I can do is echo what all the other commenters have said and send warm cyber thoughts your way over the miles.

    I shows that you have tremendous strength in prevailing through all of this. I'm glad you have Alaine and she you. Not to sound cliche but one day at a time is all you can manage at times like this.

    Know that I am thinking of you.

    ((Warm Hugs))

  25. I don't think I've posted before but I'm so saddened to read this and I hope things get better soon. I'm so glad you've had a best friend to turn to and I hope she pulls through with her tragedy too. We're all here for you in spirit. Hugs x

  26. Honey, I cried too when I read you amazing post. That took courage of a thousand souls to write. I can only re word what the others before me have said. Know that we are here for you. We might have never met, but know you are in my heart and soul, my thoughts and my prayers. And just know that you are loved and treasured. Hugs to you honey. Wish we lived closer for me to hug ya!!!

    And slash his tires.. or something.. hope you laughed! =)

  27. Oh Sweetheart! I am so sorry to read this. I know this wasn't easy to write, to admit to yourself, to deal with...just everything about it is ugh. But I hope you know, you are a strong person and you have family and friends that love you and are there for you. This too shall pass, although it won't be easy. Be strong and know we are always here for you whatevre you may need us for.

    Love, good thoughts, and {{{hugs}}}

    That freaking bastard! A "friend" of mine was a waitress back in the day, and do you know that Visine eye drops are tasteless and when put in a drink gives the drinker the runs? Who knew?

  28. Oh, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Keep thinking about the positives, that you have a supportive family and an amazing friend. Many many cyberspace hugs.

  29. I really don't know what to say Sheree! I hope you feel better and I will be praying for you and your boys. I am sure God will show a way and that everything will be alright soon.

    Just hang on there, I am sure it will all be ok dear. I am with you.
    Prayers and hoping for the best.

    My thoughts are with Aline and her family too.
    You take care. Be brave and strong and just believe you can do it.

  30. My thoughts and respect to you my dear - we are here for you...

    As my mom tells me at my lowest point - one step in front of the other and remember that there are people here to love and support you - just accept the hand reaching out to you...

    You are in my prayers. both of you... and your family..


  31. My heart hurts for you. I pray that you are given strength as you go through your days. I'm so sorry Sheree. Love always Jenny xoxoxo

  32. I am echoing all the kind and loving thoughts that have been posted. Keep that lovely chin held high! You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember to breathe and drink lots of water.
    Love & Hugs,

  33. Oh, teddyree...I'm sorry about it all. But, please know that I've been praying for you this whole time you've been offline and I will continue praying for you. We're all here to support you and hold you up as best we can even though most of us have only met online. Bear hugs from me. ~Hannah

  34. I am here, brokenhearted and teary eyed as I read your post. Thank you for sharing what is happening and know you are surrounded with people who love you and care about you.

    Hugs and prayers from Minnesota.


  35. Sheree, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I've gone through some of what is you are dealing with right now but in no way all of it at the same time. Just know that you have hundreds of people thinking of you and sending you love and prayers. We all deserve to be happy in life and I know that you will be once again. Take care of youself and your family and we will all be here for you.

  36. Sheree,
    My heart goes out to you. I cannot even imagine what you are dealing with. A loving, supportive family is the best thing anyone can have and I hope they provide you a safe place to land on your feet.
    I'll be sending prayers for emotional and physical strength your way.

  37. I'm so very, very sorry that you have to go through this.

    What helped me the most in the past was breaking it down to managable bits...first you get through the next 5 minutes of the day. Then you get through the next 10 minutes. Then gradually work up to a hour, and after awhile you find you can get through the whole day without crying.

    It's hard, but time does soften the pain.

  38. Hi Sheree, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. Sue x (Daisys)

  39. I am sad for both you and Alaine ... I can only imagine how agonizing and scary all this is. I have no words of wisdom -- I just wanted to let you know I'm listening.

  40. I am so sorry...I'm sending warm healing thoughts your way. Believe you are strong enough to handle it all, and it will become so!

  41. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say other than that you are in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

    Diary of an Eccentric

  42. Hey Sheree! I, too, wanted to give you a big hug. You totally don't deserve any of the abuse or the rejection. You deserve only the best! Coming from a home where my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive, I can tell you from experience that both you and your children will get through this and be better people for it. It will get better. I didn't realize the extent of the damage until I left for college and lived on my own out from under his authority. From now on will be a time of discovery and wonder. You and yours will be able to find out about yourselves (your likes, dislikes, things you love to do) and learn to love yourselves for the people you are. You are phenomenal as is - don't let anyone tell you different! Go to: and learn what rebuilding with grace looks like. Meg had to rebuild her life after divorce with a little boy, Max. You are in my thoughts.

  43. Thinking about you today.... hoping you are doing well. Know that people care about you. :)

  44. love, that would have been so hard to write...

    all my prayers are with you for the time it takes to get past this.

    it is never your fault hun, especially in a situation like that.

    women always feel the need to lay blame, and its usually on ourselves, but this was out of your control.

    your strong hun, you've raised two healthy boys and you will always have them.


  45. I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

    I was in a abusive marriage when I was 20. With the help of friends and family, I got the courage to leave him and never look back. I have done a lot of work on myself since then and I am a totally different person than I was then.

    I know that your husband left you, but with time hopefully you can use it as a stepping stone to make positive changes in your life.

    I'm pulling for you!

  46. Oh Teddyree, I am so sad and so sorry that you are going through this. I think you are very brave to blog about this ... not because it is anything to be ashamed about, but because it is such a painful betrayal that is so personal and truly requires you to wear your heart out on your sleeve. But you did it, and it is nothing but good that you did. Not only does it give you another outlet for expressing yourself, but it also gives you another source of support and love from your friends from around the world.

    Sad, but true, you will find more and more of your friends here and in "real life" have been in some kind of abusive relationship at some time in their lives. While nothing belittles the pain and suffering YOU are going through, I hope you are comforted by knowing you are not alone. I hope that you are inspired by the countless number of women--and probably men, too, who have survived similar situations. The scars may never go away... but one has to believe they'll be less painful over time and with the love and support of those who love you... including yourself.

    I'm sending compassion and strength your way. One day at a time. xoxo

  47. I was just catching up on my Reader and I came across this post. I just wanted to pop over to say that you will be in my thoughts a lot as you go through this difficult time! Thank heavens for friends like Alaine and know that there are many other supporters out there for you ALL over the world! Take care!!

  48. Sheree...I don't know how I missed this post...I'm so sorry for that. My heart is breaking from reading what has happened in your family. Words just don't tell you what I want to convey...if I was there I would hug you until we both felt better. I'm at a lost for words right now, but know that across the oceans and thousands of miles from you that someone cares for you and your family!



    I know it's virtual, but I hope you know even if we're not properly acquainted, I wish the best for you. You're in my prayers and I hope hope hope everything will turn out well for you and your boys. You're a strong woman, and a wonderful person. We're with you all the way, God Bless!


    I know it's virtual, but I hope you know even if we're not properly acquainted, I wish the best for you. You're in my prayers and I hope hope hope everything will turn out well for you and your boys. You're a strong woman, and a wonderful person. We're with you all the way, God Bless!

  51. I'm so sad for you reading this. You are absolutely worthy of so much better! Know you are loved and don't let yourself be bullied into hurrying just to suit his selfish and nasty agenda.


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