Just Plain Scared

This week has been a traumatic one and I could spend this valuable time writing a book review which would be much easier task but as I found after mum died and at the end of my abusive marriage, the hardest things to do are the ones you most need to do.

That's what my blog began as, an online journal to plot my journey through grief. I guess it's not for everyone; sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with the blogosphere, I was certainly more comfortable sharing my grief over mum's death than imparting the details of my broken life and spirit dealing with the mostly hidden abuse of a now ex-husband :)

But through sharing, which was certainly a very cathartic experience I also learnt how many others have been through similar things or are currently living in similar circumstances. The comfort and support I received from blogging friends and complete strangers was often overwhelming and when just one person said "thank you for being brave enough to share, you've helped me" it made the difficult experience of 'putting it out there' even more worthwhile.

So ... this week my youngest son, Callum (17) and I had our annual skin checks. Many of you know that my mum passed away from Melanoma 3 years ago in the most horrific way imaginable so we are very conscious of giving ourselves the best chance of never having to deal with this hideous disease. On tue I had a spot removed from the side of my nose which unfortunately came back cancerous so this week I'm having more excised to achieve complete clearance. It's not melanoma which is great but still I wish it wasn't on my face; I've had that many surgeries over the years that my body resembles a train track of scars so really, what's one more?? but I'm still vain enough to wish it was anywhere but my face!

However this was minor in comparison to the shock we got with Callum's skin check. The moles on his scalp have tripled in just 12months which in itself is most unusual, but even more so considering the mop of hair he has on his head. 4 or 5 of them are severely abnormal so they are being removed along with another 5 or 6 highly abnormal ones on his body.

Callum was obviously devastated, he has his year 12 Formal in just a month and he's embarrassed about having bald spots if they shave his head for excisions. I was so shocked that I didnt even ask this question. It seems like such a minor thing in the face of what could be but to Cal it was a big deal. The fact that he'll be spending school holidays with approx 30 - 40 sutures in 10 different areas of his body is another detail that really pissed him off.

I feel completely helpless, it's in the hands of our specialist and God and I don't seem to be able to hold on to anything positive at the moment. My head knows that my fear for Callum is the very reasonable and understandable fear when your child is facing any sort of danger or trauma. My head understands that a lot of the fear is due to my mother's melanoma being on her scalp and this brings up feelings of panic and terror. I can reason all this in my head but my heart still skips in panic to the worst case scenario that I cannot possibly voice to family and friends.

I'm blessed, I'm not alone, I have a sweet, caring man by my side now, Mike and I went to school together and he is stepping up to hold my hand while my best friend Alaine is away and my sister is there for us, as always. I've learnt a lot in 3 years of therapy, I'm using all the techniques I've been taught, I'm staying busy and now I'm putting my fear out there; I'm facing it, in the hope it makes me stronger.

Please keep Callum in your thoughts and prayers, his excisions will be the week after next unless the surgery gets a cancellation next week but as he needs extended appointment time it's unlikely and please, please get your skin checked

Sheree xx