25 years my sweet baby girl ... Loving, Grieving & Remembering

Happy Birthday to my baby daughter in Heaven

It's hard to believe 25 years has passed. As my hope of becoming a Heartfelt photographer inches closer and I read and respond to stories of parents whose hearts have been newly broken, I remember that all-encompassing pain and how it changes through the years. When Taleah died 19 hours after she was born nobody we knew had lost a baby or child. I know how much I craved the personal stories from others who had gone through something similar. 

Heartfelt is a volunteer organisation in Australia and NZ where professional photographers give the precious gift of photographic memories to families that have experienced stillbirth, neonatal death, premature births, or have children with serious or terminal illnesses, free of charge. 

This little excerpt comes from the book Life After Loss: Conquering Grief and Finding Hope 

"Grief comes in one size, Extra Large. If we tuck it away in the bottom drawer where it never sees the light of day, it remains exactly the same. On the other hand, if we wear it, feel it, talk about it, and share it with others, it is likely that it will become faded, shrunk and worn, or will simply no longer fit. When grief has served its purpose, we are able to recognize the many gifts we have gained." 

So this is me sharing again ... 

It's hard to believe when the worst happens that you will come out the other side. Colour disappears from your world and the pain is unimaginable. 

In the early days grief sits on your shoulder and tears at your heart and body, it's intensely lonely because it's yours and yours alone. 

Sometimes grief washes over you with the force of a tidal wave, bubbles inside you like a volcano, sometimes it gnaws or crushes and at other times it is a slow persistent whisper. One way or another grief will be heard and it lasts for as long as it lasts! 

You can't just tell your psyche that you aren't going to 'do grief', it doesn't work like that and you really wouldn't want it to. Grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Living without a piece of your heart is beyond words but the blessings and joys are there, you just need time to see them.

the best advice I was given 25 years ago ... 

'cry when you want to, laugh when you can'

Grief makes people uncomfortable, some aren't sure what to say, they don't want to say something that causes pain, people want to believe you're ok months and years down the track. And sometimes you are and sometimes you're not. 

The more we talk about death and dying, grief and loss the more normal it will become. Talking and sharing our experiences fosters change and healing. I have always been very open about death, the boys have known since they were little that they had a big sister in heaven. They thought it was kind of cool having their own personal angel, although Anthony with all his accidents mentioned years ago he didn't think Taleah did a very good job on the guardian angel side of things lol ... I beg to differ. He's here lol. 

The boys started a tradition when they were little ... why couldn't Taleah have a birthday cake? ... hmm no reason (any excuse for cake) so we would take her a piece of chocolate cake (because of course that would be her favourite) and sing her happy birthday. I'm sure the ants and birds enjoy the cake each year. It's a tradition that has continued and brought many laughs over the years.

A while ago someone made a comment on a blog post I'd written about Taleah's anniversary ...  "wow you still 'remember' after all this time" and I wanted to yell don't you? ... or is that only for living children? It wasn't said to be hurtful but it hurt nonetheless. There's no time limit on grief or remembering ... there isn't a line that says when a child has been gone so long you should cease to mention her. 

The bond between a mother/father and child is the strongest, death doesn't take that away. Taleah is my daughter and I will always be her mummy.

Losing Taleah so many years ago, there were very few precious things to keep, a few photos, a tiny name band. Things have changed, in part due to many people like myself who wrote letters for Childbirth Education groups, participated in neonatal death follow ups and grief groups, talked to doctors and midwives and funeral directors about things that could be done better. 

When you don't take your baby home, when your arms are empty and your heart is full, when there are so few physical things to treasure, memories are all you have, so the ones we create after a baby dies are all we have to share. So I make memories and celebrate and remember Taleah and all she gave in her short time in my arms. 

This Dutch proverb is true of all sorts of goodbyes

Every goodbye is the birth of a memory

Jessica from 4 Plus an Angel wrote this beautiful post ... The Stone. It reminded me of the heart I carry for Taleah. It's another tangible reminder I find comforting. I like this post too about What to Give someone who is grieving. 

If you have a family member or friend who has lost a baby, give of yourself. If you don't know what to say, say ... I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. Give them a hug, hold their hand, listen, sit in silence. The best gift you can give someone who has lost a baby is to acknowledge their baby, say their baby's name.

I often wonder ... what Taleah would look like now? what career would she have chosen? would she be married with children like her brother? would we be best friends like my mum and I were? 

Taleah isn't physically here, she's in my heart and in the small wonders, the whisper of a butterfly's wings, the chirp of a tiny bird, a raindrop on my cheek, the appearance of a rainbow when I need it most and one last rose blooming in winter just in time for her anniversary. 

Mother's Love

You don't 'get over' the death of a child and I've never particularly liked the phrase move on. You carry it with you, your grief and loss simply become part of who you are until you finally say ... this is me, forever changed.

The tears shed, letters written, memories created and shared, birthday cakes made, the quiet moments of reflection, the scrapbook layouts, the music, the celebrations and laughs, her rose garden and Christmas decorations, the journey I've taken with my photography, each time I reach out a hand to a grieving family and every time someone reaches out to me, the special moments, the love that lasts a lifetime ... this for me is being the mother of an angel.

Taleah ~ "Dew from Heaven"

I whisper your name.... to myself.

I whisper....Happy birthday, and I love you.

I whisper....I still think of you.

I whisper....Goodnight and till we meet again.

I whisper....Take care and hope your angel ears can hear my whispers here on earth.

I whisper....because I am afraid that if I speak too loud, my heart will hear and break again....

So I just whisper........

(I'm so sorry I don't know the source or author of this beautiful poem or I would absolutely credit it, a friend gave it to me scribbled on a serviette many years ago, it brings tears to my eyes. Does anyone know?) 

I miss you baby girl. Love you forever and a day  

Wish you were here to share this wonderful life xx